Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in D. Alice Daniels (D: All of the Above)'s LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Sunday, October 11th, 2009
7:20 pm	Dear Universe Dear Universe, Thank you for a beautiful and challenging path. I know that somewhere out there someone has the knowledge that I seek. Following the threads of myth. Seeking the name of a 1980's television show hosted by a singing couple (folk music) that featured a story being told while on screen an artist drew pictures in chalk. Thank you, internet, for bringing me this knowledge. Now off to Canadian Thanksgiving! I love you. - Alice (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 31st, 2009
9:20 am	Double Shifts, Double Genres, Double Agent I find myself at the cusp of Lovers/Chariot in my tarot journey. I am re-readig the Celestine Prophesy. But I find myself resisting the speed my life is headed in. Working double-shifts in the healing and kinky/creative worlds. Tearing across the bay area on public transit. Being offered opportunities at every turn, like ripe fruit giving itself to me off the tree. And yet I still am sabotaging myself. Scared of going that much faster. Scared even of succeeding. That would make me "wrong" about myself. Yet driven to excessive heights. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail, but this drama only gets in the way. I am ready for the next level. I haven't been keeping up online but I have been in the field! My life has had a lot of emotional, physical and psychological challenges and I am still in the game. Big changes afoot! Love, - Alice on the Roller Coaster (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, July 24th, 2009
1:23 pm	MAKE ME A MARQUIS MODEL Hi there, I recently auditioned and performed at the Marquis Fetish Ball in San Francisco. For those of you who don't know, I have been reading Marquis since I was 15 or so (and I convinced them to sell it to me at Tower Records). Now this famous fetish magazine has moved to the United States... and my photo is at the top for consideration in their open "Model Call." I am so excited!!! How can you help me achieve my dream? By rating my photo at 5 stars! I am ALICE MORRISON for the sake of nude modeling. http://marquisfetishblog.com/events/help-us-decide-the-models-of-marquis-fetish-balls-open-call Thank you so much for your 5 star rating! Love, - Alice Morrison (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 15th, 2009
10:16 am	Last Updated 12 Weeks Ago Well, 12 weeks ago might as well be 12 months ago. I still seem to be living my life in fast forward, but I haven't always been making progress. Big breakthrough day yesterday. I got hired for a new "long term part time" job with a group of people I'm excited to be working with. I negotiated for a higher wage. I've been making it as an artist for 2 years (with various extra curricular activities to augment it), but I've been praying and magic-ing around the idea of a consistent part time job. I have one such job, doing in home care/companionship with a woman with a brain injury, but it is only one day a week or so. This adds balance to my life and is local. On that same day, I also reapplied for my learner's permit. I've been tearing all over San Francisco with a Muni pass so I am rarely in a car... let alone behind the wheel. I am sick of feeling "stuck" on my ranch home, however. I have a broken down car on its way to being fixed and I have skills on their way to being safely polished and legal. Then, I went and applied for my passport. I'm flying to Boston, Montreal and New York for a whirlwind of photoshoots and the big Fetish Weekend festival. I feel a little like a rock star, but I know how hard I've worked to get here. Luck, love and right time, right place, right action brings me to the here and now... which is pretty fabulous, overall. I still write three pages a day, long hand, in the fashion of the artist's way. I am sometimes embarrassed about the things I've said here, and the relationships that it has messed with. But, I figure this is as true a testament as I have and I'm not going to delete it all to appease my ego. I have a lot of lessons to learn about how to keep online identity and other things apart. Especially now as my online presence becomes more and more colorful. Mostly I'm writing today because I made another mix CD... pretty much right on time. This one made itself in a single evening and I'm proud of it. But before I go around sending private messages to people who haven't heard from me in years (asking for their mailing addresses!), I would update this a little bit. Every Solstice, I tend to make a mix cd. It isn't something I force myself to adhere to, but that is the way it seems to work out. I enjoy sharing them with other people, but prefer to do so through the mail. I welcome responses, but it isn't mandatory. Summer Solstice 2009 - "Queen of Pain" I feel like it is something worth sharing. :-) Love, - Alice (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 15th, 2009
11:34 pm	Today was a good day. I made it through work with relative patience, hard work and flying colors. This evening, an act of simple benevolence turned into a stunning tax revelation to the tune of several thousand dollars for someone dear to me. I'm glad I took the time to realize that a) they weren't going to do their taxes and b) it would be relatively simple (and meaningful) were I to do it for them. Ding! Money! Now... will they share some of it with me? I hope so. Either way, I benefit. So there's a good example from my life recently. Good conversations, good food. I have found that my anger at the world or my sense of despair quickly fades as soon as sit-ups or lifting weights is added to the equation. It is hard for me to hate being alive when I'm full of endorphins. Frankly, it is nice to have my finger on the endorphin button! That's a useful trick if you're ever stranded upon a boat at sea with no one to spank you!!! Perhaps that is a bad example given the reputation of sailors and the sudden prevalence of pirates in the modern media (just as caveman was about to overtake them for the new cool). My kittens have grown into a purring cuddle slut and a suspicious kitty that kills things. Guess it is obvious whose allegiances they've chosen as well. With Vines and I both gone so often, they've become a little resentful and stand-off-ish but that seems to fade within 24 hours. Kitty Death Score so far? Earthworm x 1 Crickets x2 Mice x 2 SCORPION x 1 Plus an assortment of leaves, tufts of grass, balls of drier lint and whatever else was moving at the time. Puddin is a killer. Koney isn't very bright but she's enthusiastic. There we have our misfit twins. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 11th, 2009
5:33 pm	Bad Easter... So, I'm going out on a limb about what this might say about me, my beliefs about men, or my moral values... But I am deeply grateful that Otep's song "Menocide" exists. I think it is beautiful. Thank you. That is all. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 31st, 2009
7:47 pm	Dusting off the keyboard This journal is a source of much consternation. When I originally began it, I enjoyed the thought of sharing unfiltered with the world. Then one of my jobs tried to use it to get my unemployment benefits denied. Ok, so that will teach me to use a different email address for work things... one that isn't search-able for naughty facts. Then, one of my ex's ran into trouble with a girlfriend because of my infamous (and very very very not-updated) "people I've had sex with" list. Then, I worried about the illegal and questionable things I engage in. Heck, one of my current art projects involves spraypainting something public. It doesn't take much to ruffle feathers. Ah, and there's the other, social, aspect. But, honestly, I think those flames have died down enough to justify a little creativity instead of dead air. So, here I am. Working on getting a Twitter feed of my haiku poems, that way people can subscribe on their own if they want to. I don't think that will cut down on my thumb mileage any, though. My list of "your poems rock, please send them to me!" has crested 150... and my phone can still only send messages to one person at a time. So, when I'm feeling down, I scroll through my friends list and ask myself "Who would like this poem?" or "Who is this poem supposed to go talk to?" Some poems go to everyone, sometimes I write just for one person; most of the good ones write themselves. I still write 3 pages longhand every morning, and have found it to be an incredibly valuable practice. I would love to support anyone else in doing the Artist's Way. It has dramatically improved my life! This week finds me working in SF, as a high tech temp. Other times finds me nude in front of a camera, or clad in latex with a quivering submissive. My daily bread and butter mostly comes from assisting a woman with a brain injury. She's a little spazzy and sometimes it is hard to remember that she has a permanent injury, since she is still incredibly smart, perceptive and insightful. The best description I've come up with is that it has cut her sense of perspective... small things can really upset her (and add up fast) and she can only focus on one thing at a time. All her capacity for multi-tasking has become more like a "change the channel"... but she's good at keeping lists and adapting. So, that's my life right now. My hair has been shaved, red, orange, blond and blue this season (so far). I think green is next, since the blue has faded to a weird gray. Tomorrow I will be at the Saint Stupid's Day Parade, in all my Queenly glory. I invite you to come get stupid with me! Current Music: Donna Summer - She Works Hard For the Money (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 24th, 2008
4:01 pm	Nice to see someone coded a version of this The Five Love Languages My primary love language is probably Quality Time with a secondary love language being Physical Touch. Complete set of results Quality Time: 8 Physical Touch: 6 Receiving Gifts: 6 Words of Affirmation: 6 Acts of Service: 4 Information Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others. Take the quiz (3 Comments |Comment on this)
2:03 pm	Life as I know it. Ugh. I have food poisoning. One salmon-melt sandwich too many in San Francisco has reduced me to a quivering mass. This means that I have rediscovered the internets. Now, to be fair, I work online. But, I work for MYSELF when I work on a computer now... and that means that I am no longer being paid to waste time. Gone suddenly is all my chatting, surfing, tribe.net and blog whining. Instead, I'm cranking along on Ebay or applying for Craigslist modeling gigs (sometimes as many as 60 ads per day). All of my computer time is suffused with a sense of "Holy shit! I gotta earn money!" Combine this driven attitude with 3 pages of long-hand journaling every day (the primary exercise advocated by The Artists Way) and I air a lot of my dirty laundry where no one but me ever smells it. Moreover, I've started actually WASHING the drama-laundry in my off hours. It is making for a much less interesting life... in terms of internet voyeurism. In the practical, however, I'm finding balanced loving relationships where the loving wonderfulness and generosity quotient is off the charts. I'm making it as an artist. Right now, I'm in an average of 2-5 THOUSAND photos each month. Working with artists of all kinds now that digital cameras are making photography accessible to the "pro-sumer" market. Oh! I have a new camera! A Nikon D40 with a modest lens kit. I think that I would like to get into Strobist style flash lighting... but in the meantime, I am enjoying equipment that can keep up with my creativity (well, not quite, but it is a HUGE step up from my near-broken snapshot machine). I feel closer to my goal of working BOTH sides of the camera. I have access to photoshop through a friend, but that may be my next investment (or gift request). My writer's heart has suffered in this silence... but I'm also tired of writing about suffering. There is so much going on in my life that is FANTASTIC. Maybe this page can remind me too... and maybe it is ok to brag. I participated in a group vision quest for the New Year, and a friend came back with a powerful insight, "God is self-indulgent... it is ok for us to be too." So, here's to happy, self-indulgent blog entries. I have my first gig as a painter (making 50 CD covers by hand for a quirky musical artist in SF, found him through Craigslist). V is running late from his job in Hollister (just started at the new jobsite on Monday)... in retribution, I plan to drink the last cream soda in the house and make some art. So there!!! Happy Xmas Eve. Looking forward to my first food in 24 hours of sickness. God bless rice pudding and God bless you! Current Mood: accomplished (10 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 29th, 2008
9:45 am	Another rolling round of weird Thanksgiving at the Ranch was spectacular and startling similar to what I imagine a holiday at Hogwarts might be like. We had the longest, biggest table I've ever seen... set with unimaginable variety in both dishes and guests. Turkey. Ham. Two different kinds of potatoes. Two different kinds of green beans. Two different kinds of yams. Rolls. Pies. Piling strange on top of strange. Spices. Sweets. A Kenyan exchange student (though not on the menu) and a melting pot of magical practitioners from all walks of the world. On the tails of my highly successful Apple Squish, I'm feeling right at home! Vince and I are finally kitty parents, with a pair of sweet sisters currently learning how to shred several of my art projects. They have an endearing but frustrating trait of knowing just when I've woken up so that they can all tear down the spiral staircase (now the biggest, bestest kitty jungle gym in the world), launch themselves (claws first and scrambling) onto our super-big, super-tall bed, and DEMAND that I now pay attention to THEM. V sleeps through it every time. Maybe I should start throwing the kittens at him when they try to launch at me. :-) Last night, I was up until 4am playing Grand Theft Auto, screaming and laughing as I tore offroad through groups of pedestrians. It felt good to let loose like that. My SF boyfriend is partying in Vegas... gotta find something to do that sounds fun! V is sleeping it off now, on this fine early morning, and I am up early to catch the light for good Ebay photographs (I am selling thousands of Magic: the Gathering cards on commission this week). The house still isn't clean, but at least it has four walls... and feels more like a home now that there are some fuzzies around inside of it. Current Music: Hole - Northern Star (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 13th, 2008
12:26 am	Hello, strange friends So... my life has been a magnificent and wild adventure. I have been paying my mortgage by means of being sexy and creative. I have indulged in many of my dearest fantasies and I have emerged glistening from Venusian waters fresh, new, quenched and yet thirsting. I have a beautiful home. Come pick apples and make cider using our apple masher and cider press this Sunday, at around noon. BBQ and potluck. Music welcome. There will be a few kids and plenty of old and new friends. I hope to consider this the "First Annual Apple Squish!" though, I am sure the principle owners of the cider press with remind me - they have been doing this for many many many years. The apple trees too protest, they've been sinking roots deep into this land for over 100 years. This is good land, these are good people and I think making your own apple juice and hard cider is a noble, earthy and downright yummy tradition. Let it begin now. Bring your containers to be filled. That's a good refrain to let ring through life right now. I'm bringing my container to be filled. Taking it upstairs, to God, to my HIGHEST SELF, Guardian Angel, whatever you want to call it. Bringing my container to be filled. Here I am, late night with a buzz on from wacky and yummy delicious beer. Contemplating where my life has been in the last 6 months. I'm here, still on a roller coaster of panic, but now they come only once a month... usually when I am both hunger and sleepy AND already stressed out by something else. Now, they last a lot less. Now, there is light in the darkness because I put it there. Of course, I still put the darkness there, but we're reaching what will hopefully be an amiable peace. I believe that peace is possible. My sense of self and my sense of what love is, can or should be is shifting again. I've been spending about half of my times in the arms of a beautiful SF twin with a twist. Mutual Libras of interchangeable size. We make great art together. Mig reminds me a lot of what I might have been like, born male. We are an interesting contrast and I am delighted with the passion and the patience he embodies. I'm off unemployment and working as a full time artist. I am making it as a full time artist. I'll freely admit that there has been a lot of naked art paying the bills lately. A lot of telephone psychic and acting too. What a strange and magnificent place the internet is. Such a web of connection and adventure! My experiences have been financially and curiosity enriching. I find that the vast majority of my clients have very simple needs. Most of them just need to be given permission. I accept that about myself and I give myself permission. That empowers me to show others the same possibility. The Art of Healing was harrowing and wonderful. I've been doing amazing public performance art. I am now a semi-famous bondage model. I have such amazing things to show you. But, for now, I am sleepy and drunk and home alone but happy. Current Mood: drunk Current Music: Star Wars Theme Song (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008
1:29 am	Twitterpated So, the world is a strange place... and it keeps giving me more reasons to go on living until my ticket runs out. My house only has three walls, and I'm traveling all over the place. This week? LA for foot fetish fun and Disneyland. Next week? Four bondage photoshoots in SF. Followed by a series of mermaid, fey and goddess shoots. I'm in training to be a Master Teacher in Reiki. Spirit brings me the message that I will be expected to attune three people at Burning Man this year. I think I will meet one of them at the 16:16 Sapphire Portal. I think one of them is Vince. I haven't told this to him yet. So... blasting through training in Reiki, finding it more and more like the energy healing work my grandmother Alice taught me when I was a child. Realizing that I dream of training with angelic beings and that they transmit accurate information... but that there's also ill voices that I listen to that dictate wicked thoughts into my head. I really like the realization that I choose who to listen to, or if I want to listen at all. I am in a show called "Tricksters, Lovers and Citizens" - though it is still heavily in development, I am very excited about it. We perform the Friday before Burning Man, and we may be taking the show (or pieces of it) "on the road" to the playa as well. Two nights ago, I finally slept with Mig, the delightful pirate I met at the Saint Stupid's Day Parade. He's been taking me to operas, ballets and thrift store shopping for months, but sexuality between us has been rather taboo. This is the kind of man that shows up at Caltrains with a bagel and a Jamba juice for me before my photoshoots in the city. A hell of a cheerleader and kind as fuck. I'm so glad he finally got laid! Anyway, it is an interesting insight, to get to an "I love you" place with someone before having sex with them. Not to label myself with any titles, but I notice that I went through a phase of non-emotional sex... and I like this a lot better. It took months of patience and asexuality before I was comfortable even making out with this shining boy. I'm so grateful for his patience, because I feel wounded trust from a dozen or so relationships with pushy assholes dissolving in the presence of consent and respect. This, my friends, is sexual healing. And it has gotten around to a pretty damn hot phase of exploration and elation. I'm glad I made it through the ick to get to the yum. I'm still alive. The universe brings me more reasons to live each day. LA, SF, Phoenix Fire, Tricksters, Lovers and Citizens, Burning Man, Reiki Master, hot new boy and dates with more to come. I'm still writing three pages long-hand every morning in the "Morning Pages" advised by The Artist's Way and they are still daily rocketships to my dreams, doorways to insight and portals to creativity. I am making art with broken mirrors and altoids tins... more supplies are welcome! This week, I am recovering from my "Artist's Date" of a week long Axis Syllabus and Aerial Dance Intensive. That's right! I can now swing from the rafters in artful ways in ADDITION to bondage suspension! I treated it like a kind of bootcamp. Awake at 6am, walk three miles to the bus-stop, Axis Syllabus movement class for 2 hours, Aerial Dance for 2 hours, take a bus to Scotts Valley, walk three more miles home. Every day for 7 days. I am friends with my body in a whole new way, and I met abs that I never dreamed existed once I started using my core muscles to navigate that strange place of mid-air. I like it. I like me. I am a good artist and a good person. I feed my body. I love my body. My struggles have revealed a certain pattern... the textbooks call it anorexia. I thought it was normal, but I'm discovering a freedom beyond subconsciously counting calories. I am infinitely more effective when well-fed and well-funded. I deserve abundance. I accept all of the good and abundance that the universe has to offer. Let's rock! Current Music: Red Hot Chilli Peppers - The Other Side (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 11th, 2008
12:23 am	Seeking altoids containers! Art project needs altoids tins. I know you wierdos save those little tins when they are empty. Help me turn them into art! (Comment on this)
12:20 am	$3,000 per month That is my goal. So far, ebay, modeling and all kinds of strange is inching me closer to the goal. Bit by bit. I started doing art around the concept of my Wall. That which keeps me apart from others and from happiness... my wall is happy to be decaying, it says. Great graffiti art all over it. I started doing art around tearing down the wall... And down my walls came. Literally. One whole side of my home is torn out. We went in to install a floor, found rot, found termites, found a HUGE project. Tear down the wall! And so it is. And I am happy. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008
1:10 pm	One Model Place Current Music: U2 - One (11 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008
9:32 pm	Ride the Spiral An old friend raised a powerful question: How many times can you claim the same epiphany before it actually adheres? My experience has suggested that healing is a spiral path. Sometimes you tread old ground before you move on. Sometimes the dead come back from their graves for one last scare before the credits roll. Sometimes you get lonely and you dig them up and roll all over them hoping some of the old feelings will rub off onto you. Sometimes... Well, I guess that's far enough for that metaphor. But it does occasionally feel like re-runs are the only shows running. The insightful answer would be turn off the TV, but I haven't gotten so hardcore with my inner voices that I can flip a switch and be Zen. I reach Zen through art, dancing, meditation, pain, rituals, drugs, workshops and all kinds of other ways... but a permanent state of it? Not yet. I am getting some good mileage out of Way of the Peaceful Warrior. Which, for those of you who are keeping count, basically just says the same damn thing that Landmark, Laurie Hay and Byron Katie say. Oh, and the Artist's Way, The Secret and pretty much all of the Courage to Heal. Um... and Ram Dass too, while I'm at it. Same story, different wrapping. The past is the past. Now is now. The future is unwritten. You create all the meaning. And sometimes that is what it takes. Like a flashlight in the dark, a turn of phrase might illuminate a secret, liberate you from an old repeating-record nasty thought, inspire you, or remind you of what you already know. How many times? As many times as there are ways to see it. As many times as it takes. Does the number matter so long as the change is continuing? And change is always continuing... I might never "get it." But, it isn't really about a destination. Terence McKenna quoted a friend (they were talking about mushrooms, but it is still applicable here): "Every time I go, my intention is to try to stand more." Every time I open myself, my goal is to stand more and more love, hope, beauty, truth and peace. There are times when I mess it all up. Hell, there are times when I fall right off the wagon. There are times when I fucking jump off the wagon, light it on fire, and run!!! Those are the times that are the most frustrating. Because "I know better," right? Hours of yelling at myself because the simple act of eating seems to be impossible - I always find one more thing that "has to" be done before I "let myself" eat. Like Cindarella trying to get ready for the ball, there's always "one more thing" until I decide to make myself my own priority... recognizing for a split second of clarity that I have become my own oppressor. There's a key there, though. The system only works as long as I am yelling at myself. Forgiveness makes the whole house of cards come down. And I begin again. And I begin again. And I begin again. I can't even claim that I last any longer or am getting any better at it. Yet I know that this is the only worthy work there is... to follow one's inner guidance to whatever bliss it may lead. A line from Julie Wood's autobiographical song comes to mind: I can't claim every choice I made was fine But I can say every choice I made was mine. Will I ever "get it" in a way that lasts forever? Maybe. Maybe when I'm dead. Maybe just the split second before I die. Maybe I never will. Maybe. But now is now. Current Music: Julie Woods - Shadowed Divinity (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 21st, 2008
7:34 pm	Here's a shout out I've been in quite a breakdown state today. In my head and heart, I am making the shift. Thinking that sex isn't the be all end all of relationships. Maybe staying together has more to do with hearts then hard-ons. Maybe it is love that holds a relationship together, and not how often (and how well) you're fucking. Maybe. Just maybe. And, god, that scares me... because it means relationships are held together by something subtle, precious, undefinable, immesurable, and COMPLETELY UNCONTROLLABLE. Fuck. Those are the pillars of my world shaking. I'm alone. Lonely. Wounded and thinking. Starved myself today. A day where it is a victory to eat an apple... but it takes SIX HOURS to eat it. I feel a little bit better with some calories in me. Still have to take my antibiotics. Feeling weak, but I don't think it is the prescription drugs. I think if I don't eat now, it will get a whole lot darker. Let's reverse that: I think that eating will help me have a wonderful evening of healing and introspection, here by myself, or with the neighbors if I choose to go visiting. Having a moment. Having a day. Having a lonely day. Exist: breath to breath Alone: in strange company Fire: grows when shared Current Mood: lonely Current Music: Collective Soul - Run (12 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 16th, 2008
10:22 am	Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap... Pop pop! Hope no one sees me get freaky. I seem to have misplaced my new journal this morning. A disappointment, but I'm sure it will show up exactly when and where it means to. In the meanwhile, this is a good opportunity to get some writing into this world. Or, at least, to stretch my fingers on something besides Ebay. Money is the easiest thing to prove. Laurie Hay, author of You Can Heal Your Life asserts this and I have found it to be true. She writes as if she's my inner monologue. All of the convoluted theories that got me through my twisted childhood are in there. The notion that I chose my parents, and the particular challenges associated with them, is something I've felt since I was very young. It was reflected in what I told my grandmother in dreams when I was pre-natal. It reflects in the truths that I've seen. This wonderful book found its way into my life like a shining version of my inner self. There was everything that my sweetest, most helpful inner voice had been telling me all along. You choose your parents for their challenges - they got that way because of a long string of abuse. They are hurt people... and you can end that RIGHT NOW by stopping the cycle in yourself. I'm putting to rest at least three generations of abused children by daring to heal. My father is damaged goods. My grandfather lied to the Navy in order to GO TO WAR when he was 16... because going to WAR in Korea was better then staying a moment longer in his familial home. Where did my great-grandfather learn it? Where did my great-great-grandfather learn it? How far back in human history does this hurt stretch? I know that it ends here. But, I digress. Money is the easiest thing to prove, she also says. Change your thinking, change your life. OK, I'm trying that. Yesterday, I started chanting for financial abundance. I wrote beautiful affirmations in sparkle ink all over the last few pages of my journal. And what happened? A friend showed up with a pint of ice cream and $80 for me. I got a ride to the Dr's office and, before I was even logged all the way in to the clinic, a different friend was on the phone with a question, "Is money the only reason you waited so long to see a Doctor? Can I pay for your visit and medication?" And, like that, it is proven to me again. What a strange series of coincidences that has lead me to such benefactors. Sit down in the right hot tub. Have the right conversation. Right time, right place, right action. Here I am. So, I now have antibiotics and enough money to pay for food and therapy this week. I am waiting for my unemployment interview this morning. I've been informed by an old coworker that they are planning on signing off on my unemployment... now it is just on me to present the truth and go through the process. I did my taxes last night and got the fattest return I've ever seen. All this and ice cream. Ok, I believe you now. Money is the easiest thing to prove. How am I going to spend the gift certificates that I won in the women's sexuality survey? :-D The garden is taking root. The little broccoli plants are finally starting to look a little bigger. Still no sign of the beets poking through the soil. Half of the tomatoes are in the dirt, the others are very slowly growing from seeds in sheltered containers. My flowers are gradually stirring in their pots. I still need to finish building the other raised bed in order to plant the onions and peas... and who knows what else I will accumulate by that time. I hope to complete it next week. Borrow a truck. Obtain a driver for said vehicle. Get the husky squires at Home Despot to load us up with cinder blocks... then build a raised bed guarded by gopher wire. Fill it with a mix of soil and aged alpaca manure. Water. Mix. Add seeds. Water. Wait. V is back to work now, at last. Strange, though, how silent the house seems now. Even though we were getting sick of each other, in addition to our pnemonia, it was a very special thing to wake up every morning and greet the day together. I miss it already, even as relieved as I am to be free to do my own thing and get work done. So, the cycle of change continues. I feel good about where I am, even though it is a lonely place of waiting by the phone this morning. I'll have around half of my expenses covered by unemployment. I have a little savings, enough for a month. My tax return buys me another month. Ebay can go smoothly. I can do this. Where will I go next? What is it that I would like to earn money at? Get my car and license situation taken care of and take this show on the road? Vend at festivals for a while? Find ways to make it all pay for itself. My parents were able to participate at an Olympic level in one of the more expensive sports in the world. How did they do it? By making it pay for itself! They started selling guns, reloading shells, reloading and selling shells to people, cutting costs by doing it themselves and finding ways to turn those savings into a profit. Now, I'm not going to become an arms dealer like my dad, nor a used car salesman, but they taught me well in wiley ways and I'm making it on my own by swinging through the auction world. Maybe it is time to buy storage lockers again. Less drama then consignment that way, but just as fascinating of a glimpse into the lives of other people, and what they consider valuable or important enough to store for eons. Strange time capsules of not letting go. My mural plans continue. I am looking for creative ways to solicit funds. I need to buy primer, paint. This is public art. I wonder if I could take up a collection here on the ranch. Or a donation button on my tribe account. Put the call out for recycling house paints? Need paint, any paint, what do you have? That might get me started. Should I allow my palate to be dictated by circumstance? That seems a sad plan given my desires for a rainbow goddess of flowing hair, juxtaposed with the solar lion. At first, I was embarrassed, contemplating painting a mural that is the equivalent of spirit portraits of V and I. I have his permission. I don't think it is vanity. Instead, I call it a celebration of our highest selves. Not direct portraits, but certainly our archetypes. We certainly are not the first sun and moon pair. I let go of my critical judgment. I know what I want to paint and I am, ultimately, the one who will live next to this mural until I tire of it or the old water tank becomes unrepairable. What a lovely feeling. Free of self-judgment. Just doing what feels right... ... without worrying about it for a zillion years. What could I do with all the energy that I used to spend worrying? Let's get out there and find out. Current Music: Wierd Al - White And Nerdy (Comment on this)
Monday, April 14th, 2008
1:36 am	First Post in Five Weeks I'm thinking about how precious and fragile this existence we're eeking out is. All around me, I hear rumblings of times to come, of food shortages and desperation. They're clearing crop land for biofuel and none of that helps curb global warming. So, here we are, following the advice of Hopi elders. Know where your water is? Now is the time for Revolution Gardens. Back in the day, you see, back in World War II (The War to End All Wars), there were shortages too... and rationing. Ask your grandparents. They remember. That is what war does to a country. And all members of the nation were called upon to do their part. Food was scarce, and they needed all there was to send to the troops... so it suddenly became patriotic to dig up your beautiful lawn and plant vegetables. Some absurd-sounding statistic came of this. Something approaching 40% of all domestic food was suddenly self-raised. Victory Gardens, they called them. The government gave them excellent marketing. These revolution gardens must begin again. I finished reading Starhawks The Fifth Sacred Thing tonight and I'm ready to believe that all which is precious and good exists because we will it to be so... and that all that we know and cherish must be protected. By that, I mean it must be sustainable, or we loose everything. But, this isn't meant to be a rant about fear for the future. No, this is a celebration of abundance, a statement of gratitude, and an invitation. I have pneumonia. There is a rattling in my lungs that scares me and I cannot draw a complete breath without a terrible gurgling coming from deep in my chest. I do not like this drowning sensation, here in my own juices. I have tried to heal myself naturally, but there has been too much sorrow, far too much drama and much too many tears. Now is the time for modern medicine. Antibiotics. Something to get this muck out of my lungs so that I can sing and dance and breathe again. V has been sick too... for far longer then I have. We've been cooped up here in this lovely house while it seems like most things are falling apart at the edges and seams. But, here I am spouting poetry in the dark. The car is broken. There is fluid in my lungs. I don't have a day job... fired from the Hospice. Yet, here I am, with a planted garden aching to bear fruits in coming months, growing deep roots with the promise of sunshine and water to nourish the dark fertile soil. Here I am with an Ebay business of my own products and consignment projects for other travelers eager to get money in exchange for the freedom to no longer store so much junk. My altar candles burn low. I am living in a magical house with a magical garden. I am living a charmed and magical life, even as I struggle for breath after wheezing breath. I am still alive. I am here. I am so grateful. I'm grateful for my sold out Burlesque Show. I'm grateful for the nod the Universe gave me. I am in the SF Chronicle for my St Stupid's Day performance antics. I am so grateful to be getting so many phone calls inviting me to perform in What is Erotic?. I am grateful for the post office and every step of everything involved that brings me my Netflix and beautiful letters from my pen pals and artistic inspirations. I bless my mailbox and all that it brings me. I bless my bills - because I know that it is an honor to be trusted to pay... just as it is an honor to have this money with which I pay my bills. This is the spirit I'm dwelling with. This spirit of abundant blessings. The car is up on blocks outside. V has a touch of desperation and trapped-animal to him. But, here I am. And life is still good. And life is still good. And life is still good. And tomorrow I will see a friend. And tomorrow I will do taxes. And tomorrow I will mail Ebay goodies. And tomorrow I will make art. But now... now, I am so simply grateful to have a chair to sit in, a computer to write through, an electric teakettle to keep me in hot water, and beautiful neighbors with more lemons then they can possibly eat, and who take joy in sharing. I have lemons, hot water and tea. Even without western medicine, I can take care of myself in some fashion. Tomorrow I may sit in long official lines at a clinic, waiting for penicillin, but tonight I am content and thankful for everything that I do have. This is a good place to be. I know that I will be well enough to get out and about again soon. V has been out of work for nearly 3 weeks, and this time together has been a blessing. But, it is time to return to the waking world if we wish to grow this dream sustainable. I unemployed, V under the weather. The car broken. These are not implacable forces of disaster. They are simply what is in this moment. And the truth is that we're healing. And the truth is that there will be other cars. I am earning money. I am healing. Progress is still being made, deep below the surface. Our second month of mortgage. Will we make it? Our loan is being carried by the other members of the Ranch. There is no bank involved. They have offered to stick the interest from this month onto the end of the 20-year mortgage note. I think we may accept the offer graciously and gratefully. I release my fears of being a deadbeat. I am here because I am supposed to be here. They waited a long long time to sell this house to the right people. Moreover, they offered this kind arrangement after making us the most amazing homemade soup I have ever in my long life consumed. There is a real caring here. It gets under my skin without me even realizing it... until it is there. Today, I counted my friends. Their number astounded me. So, tonight, knowing that there are so many people that love me, knowing how deeply I love so many people, everything feels wonderful. I am held. Even as my breaths catch in my throat and give way to deep, heaving coughs, I know everything is held in Highest Good. Namaste, sweet ones. If God brings you to it, then She will bring you through it. Current Mood: pensive (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, March 7th, 2008
11:55 pm	Pasties still on, breathless from the crowd. Tonight was the opening night of my Burlesque Show. My Clown Burlesque Show. We SOLD OUT on opening night. This is big. Santa Cruz is ready for this hottness! I am ready for this hottness. My solo piece is something I built from scratch and it is near and dear to my heart. For weeks, I struggled with my props. Tonight, it all came together the moment that I stepped out onto the stage. I knew it was MINE. That whole fucking stage. Every sold out seat in the crowd. Mine. Here for me. At my whim. Breathless with anticipation as each slip of fabric falls away. Tease, reveal, tease, reveal, tease. I owned myself when I strode onto the stage in fishnets and powerful heels. Walking tall on sexy stilts. Copper lame booty shorts like I'm a Rocky Horror Peep Show. I owned my womanhood when I walked out on stage. Not in that "I get to control you with it" way... it was mine. Just like everything about the set and setting was mine. Why? Because my power is mine. This isn't power over. No, no. Sweet loves, I mean power from within. There's no way to shake that force. It moves the molecules in their orbits and hangs the stars in the sky. Power from within is the transformative nature of the universe. It is the spark that sets our lights sparkling with one another. Power from within is the only true power there is. And the misers out there want to horde it. And the meek want to give it. And the scared want to sell it to someone bigger and badder then all the other big bads out there. ... and here I am. Midnight on a strung-out week of rehearsals, haiku, job drama, solo flying and monkey business. Pasties still half-stuck to my nipples. Eyeliner still not all the way off. I could shower, but my eyes would still be rimmed in green and sticky from eyelash glue. And I am sublimely happy. I haven't seen much of Vince lately. I've been busy doing my own thing. The fruits of my labor are ripe. Let me share a bite with you, Eve. These apples are delicious! Ssssssssso... for anyone that wishes to attend the Clown Burlesque Extravaganza on the 8th, 14th or 15th would do well to buy tickets in advance www.brownpapertickets.com I also got back my first proof from my shoot with Kyer www.kyerphotography.com - WOW! Between lrc and Kyer I am awash in amazing images. Kyer pulled one for his portfolio that would be the perfect Easter card! If you want in on the action, you must trust me with an address suitable to receive fanmail at! My fanmail chaos grows day by day. I have been writing one haiku per day, on average, for a full year now. In that year, I have written a lot of bad haiku, but I've been relentlessly sharing them with the world. The result is that I also am now getting a lot of poetry sent to me. Some of it from friends, some of it from near-strangers. I love these whizzing moments of inspiration, hope, grieving and contemplation. Sometimes it all seems ok if I can manage to juggle a 5-7-5 statement of beautiful truth. Other times, it is just a good distraction. It has become a spiritual daily practice. I am amazing myself. I took on SO MUCH this month. I'm really getting present to how much I take on in general, however. A lot of things that people have been saying to me for a long, long time are finally starting to make sense and sink in. I am starting to get it for myself. I now get for myself that I am sexy. I now get for myself that I am powerful. I now get for myself that I am creative. I now get for myself that I am loved. All of these compliments are sinking in. Not because anything has changed in the telling... but I am finally ready to listen. So, here I am world. Clown Burlesque and a weekend art project. Check out http://www.internationalfibercollaborative.com/ for a fantastic art piece! She's covering an abandoned gas station with fiber art from all over the world, people banding together to take on oil and independence. Got time to make a 3 x 3 panel to join in? I'm using all the scraps from my other art projects. Recycling AND it gets them out of the house and into the world! Did I mention? The flea market is opening again this week!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Really, that sums it all up quite nicely. And, to think that, this morning, I had crashed so hard that I found it difficult to consider myself worthy of food. Time for dinner. And sleep. Current Mood: grateful (4 Comments |Comment on this)